The
2004 Singapore Gaelic Lions |
| Aidan Healy |
Has caused more mayhem off the pitch than on it,
and more’s the pity. Has left more than one young lassie bitched,
bollixed and bewildered as he has hauled them across pubs and clubs
to introduce to another thoroughly embarrassed Gaelic Lion. Pop-culture
references tend to pass Aidan by though. Thought being called Bling
Bling (owing to his grotesque array of shiny Mr T jewellery) was
a compliment. Bless. |
| Alan Power |
Asked if he could avoid all training this year,
and perhaps just turn up for the weekend itself, citing the success
of this strategy in previous years. A fair point, but request denied.
Also tried to block-book hotel so entire family could make the trip
this year. The PLA got suspicious though, so no go there. Was defamed
last year, and demanded editorial control over the “langers” doing
pen-pics. Quite rightly. |
| Andrew Conley |
Was never the same after hero Johnny Cash went
to the Ring of Fire in the sky. The Man in Black’s mood was not
helped by handing over control of the website. Handsome decent Lions
trussed up in leather in suggestive poses with well-hung lady-boys
on the site have been coming forward with suggestions. Photos are
currently being doctored for Andrew’s own Boy Named Sue section
of the site. Watch this space. |
| Bill Nikolopoulos |
None of your namby-pamby big-Jessie “rather have a marmite sambo than get kicked in the head” football from this wombat. Bill was not best pleased to learn that the simple matter of grabbing someone by the neck, hauling him to the ground and giving a solid dig to the head for good measure is illegal in Gaelic. A poof’s game, he said. Was happy to discover this procedure is illegal only if seen by the referee. |
| Brendan Wisely |
Another toe-rag consultant (see Paul Prendergast
below). Part of the undercover “Lovely Leitrim” contingent trying
to take over and destroy Singapore from within.
Since Messrs Wisely and Ward account for 4% of the population of
Leitrim, this is no idle threat. We may well be surrounded. First
Singapore, then Southeast Asia, and then the push across Europe
into Roscommon. The soil there is “mighty”, apparently. |
| Brian Kennedy |
Kindly sponsored by The Dubliner this year, since
Mark figured he’d get more value from Brian than the other 80-odd
members put together. He was right. In an effort to get “fit”, a
clearly inebriated Brian has often spoken of his desire to become
more discerning about his drinking haunts. Quit heading to the hawker
centre for a few Tigers on the way to work sometime in mid-July.
And it showed. We think. |
| Bryan McSwiney |
The coaches were seen suggesting to Bryan early
in the season that he perhaps use his right leg for more than just
standing on and kicking the full back. Only a suggestion mind. Also
advised by the great unwashed of the selection committee that it’s
tough going to slot one over from the corner flag. Cryptically kept
saying “no angle is too tight lads, no angle is too tight”. We just
pray he was talking about the football. |
| Cormac O’Muircheartaigh |
Was (allegedly) out-scored by the Dub at HK2003,
so Lola sought to play up his links with the Westies gang from Blanch
in an effort to intimidate the selection committee. He made the
team, just. Scary knowledge of Right Said Fred hits and fondness
for impersonating Michael Flatley generated natural suspicion among
the old guard. Made a point of sending compiler of pen-pics correct
spelling of Galáctico... |
| David Slattery |
Failed to learn the lessons from Gareth O’Brien’s
torrid and fruitless two-year foray into the world of ladies coaching.
Can’t say he wasn’t warned. Earned the opprobrium of the Lionnesses
by doing even less running than Ger, but more shouting. Overheard
asking Matlock Morgan about the new IOC ruling on transsexuals,
but will save his debut for the ladies team until HK2005, medical
advances permitting. |
| Dennis Collins |
Frightened all with comments early in the season
of wearing a leather frock while going commando. Declined to threaten
Korean forwards with same outfit. Says he attended HK2003, but wasn’t
spotted by any of the travelling party. Some speculation that he
got married to a snake-head by accident. Said something about liking
tattoos, and danger. Will be kept well away from beer buddy Kim
this year. |
| Donnacha Rahill |
We should have expected nothing less from the latest in a very long line of Dubs to add “colour” to the club. Sheepishly kept saying you can’t expect a 40-year-old to play ball, for the love of God. Then proceeded to hare across for a breaking ball, sell a few dummies to a few of our dummies and knock one over. Has played senior club football in Dublin, but should cope with the step-up in quality. |
| Gareth O’Brien |
Another bad year. Thought taking a step back from
coaching role would help with the ladies. Thought wrong. Still wants
all the bad things to go away, can’t type to save his life, and
fails to see the link between his participation with the club and
the failure to win anything for five years. Knowing shag-all about
hurling didn’t stop him wearing a skin-tight Cork jersey to annoy
Tipp’s own D Slattery. In a word: grim. |
| Ger Barry |
One of the braver club members almost committed
hari-kari in The Dubliner by noting that Ger has more bitches
than he knows what to do with. The clarification — that this referred
to assistant (male) coaches — came not a minute too soon. There’s
no justice like mob justice, and with the ladies, it’s usually swift
and merciless, as Ger “GBH” Barry knows only too well. Referees,
you have been warned… |
| Ger Brogan |
Slyly horsed beer into him during warm-ups to avoid
playing ball on Sentosa, until it was pointed out that getting through
a skip of beer never stopped Sean Duggan and Brian Kennedy training.
And half the ladies team for that matter — the Sunday brunches have
been noted girls. Ger took a strange liking to his Xbox half way
through the season and is now officially allergic to sunlight. |
| Hugh Smiddy |
Known among newer members as “the guy with the
shirt”. Despite a notoriously patchy record on the fashion front,
even club veterans were aghast at the ensemble Hugh put together
one night down in Molly’s. Parents averted their children’s eyes.
Old trishaw riders who’ve seen it all just wept. One sensitive member
described it as “a cry for help” and suggested we never speak of
it again. Some chance Hugh. |
| Jason Jolly |
California’s finest, swaggering John Wayne Jolly
came to Singapore to escape a past he'd just as soon forget and
just move on with his life. The Quiet Man was clearly upset the
Lions didn’t engage in mass brawls down Orchard Road of a Sunday
after training and actively encourage bitch-slapping of the women-folk.
Won love and admiration from all for drawing blood from team “beautiful”
in the Blitz. |
| Kevin Morgan |
Self-styled captain fantastic and leader with a
purpose. Offered sweets and access to his black book of numbers
for a glowing tribute here. Offer was declined on health grounds.
Had club members scrambling for towels in the shower after announcing
that “just because you like kissing and cuddling a guy doesn’t make
you gay”. Had to be warned that rubbing own nipples does not constitute
a warm-up (for football). |
| Laurence Kearney |
Aggressively denied allegations he was spotted
sighing wistfully at Hugh Smiddy’s shirt (aka, the cry for help)
that night in Molly’s — almost went Full Metal Jacket on us. Agreed
without demure that no-one likes the name Laurence. Said while it
allegedly sounds like royalty, he most certainly is not, nor does
his name imply that he might be a sailor in his spare time. He works
for a bank, so there. |
| Mark Riordan |
Implicated heavily in the Riordan-gate scandal.
Saw nothing inappropriate in attending a few training sessions,
riding off into the sunset with one of the lovely Lionesses, and
never coming down again. Shoddy. Committee decided that single men
will have to pay a hefty deposit in future before setting sights
on the ladies, and must sign an oath to respect the chastity and
purity of the Lionesses — no seriously. |
| Neil Steffensen |
Another bitter and disillusioned Aussie Rules player,
upset at excelling at a sport played only by a tiny fraction of
the world’s populace. So he took up Gaelic football. Too many knocks
to the head, someone (Kevin) suggested. Won hearts and minds of
club members by actually taking an interest in training sessions.
True to Aussie form, only really gets going at the smell of blood
(someone else’s, preferably). |
| Padraig Reidy |
Failed to grasp even the very basics of club politics,
and was seen making friends with at least one member from each of
the 42 major sub-factions within the club. Was nominated by all
239 major sub-cliques as chief waterboy and orange cutter for HK2004.
Some people just insist on learning the hard way. The Reuters chap
gave media types a bad name by being spotted buying a round in Molly’s.
Just once mind. |
| Paul Prendergast |
For some reason, took umbrage at the notion that
all Meath footballers are thoroughbred muck-savages. Self-delusion
aside, Paul proved to be a fairly decent and honest human being,
despite his background as a money-grabbing management consultant.
It was reckoned that once the club went down-market and started
letting Aussies and lawyers join, the consultants couldn’t be kept
out any longer. |
| Peter Kingston |
Took one look at a Wednesday training session and
hacked into his knee-cap with a butcher’s knife to avoid the misery.
Says it happened at soccer (ay right Peter). In fairness, the decision
looked wiser as the season progressed. Liked to point out that Jesus
also wore sandals and had a beard, but was stumped at the suggestion
that even Jesus and his first 12 wouldn’t have had a chance against
Korea A in such attire. |
| Peter Sheridan |
Never allows truth or accuracy to get in the way
of a good story. Has been top scorer at Asian GAA 7s every year
since the early 1960s, according to the man himself. Was sacked
from pen-pics team in 2003 for failing to adhere to collective responsibility
rule (see Alan Power above). Has been seen consulting with Dr Cormac
to find an ailment he hasn’t declared in previous tournaments as
excuse for missing sitters. |
| Sean Duggan |
Went ballistic that the club wasn’t taking training
seriously enough. Demanded 20km runs at 5:30am down the Botanic
Gardens on Sunday mornings. Said anyone not fully committed should
be shot, and sought a ban on alcohol from May. Was overheard calling
the coaches “a bunch of muppets” and said he could teach those young
punks from Korea a thing or two. Wears “fail to prepare, prepare
to fail” tattoo with pride. |
| Sean O’Shea |
A chap still infused with the zeal of youth. Of
the view that it’s still possible to get drunk and be a success
with the ladies on the same night. So much to learn. So little time.
Says he’s from Kerry, but speaks (a form of) English, so we’re not
sure. Has been known to fake injuries to avoid playing. Club had
to set up “widows, orphans and Kerrymen” fund after Sean turned
up to football training in sandals. Honest. |
| Stevie Keane |
Sought a more “presidential air” this year, on
grounds of being fed up dealing with the riff-raff. Says he’s 28,
but some still have doubts, especially since the pen-pics from Phuket
2000 put his age at, eh, 28. Whatever. Retained frankly bizarre
set of colourful attire for training; had the volleyball girls on
Sentosa scurrying for cover. Was told (tactfully) that this is a
family club, and has since ditched the scratching. |
| Tim Marshall |
Tim broke down late in the season and confessed
he had no idea that volunteering to help Clare “Paparazzi” Connolly
with the website would be a 24-7 position. “She and her kind killed
Lady Di” he sobbed, “and now she’s after me”. Strong words. Complained,
with some justification, that 18 hours a day on the website made
it tough to attend training, not to mention work, sleep, eat and
other ancillary activities. |
| Will Brady |
Superman thought everyone would take him seriously
now he’s a dad and wears glasses. Still likes to inflict pain; training
conditions were compared to those at Abu Ghraib jail — luckily the
committee turned down his proposal to purchase two dozen dog collars,
on the grounds of decency and taste. Attempts to hijack selection
committee (again) were all too clear when Will nominated young Caleb
for full forward. |
